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TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT ESPN

10 – If ESPN really does have an original movie coming out, why haven’t I seen any ads?
And seriously, I think it should be a rule that if you put Tom Berenger in a sports movie, he has to say one line from Major League at some point. Are you telling me you can’t find a spot for “Well I guess there is just one thing left to do... win the whole fuckin’ thing.”

9 – Would you please turn it up, I can’t hear Stephen A. Smith.
It has to be an act, isn’t it? Eh Steve... mic's on. Who the hell can get that mad over a Hawks-Bucks game?

8 – Sean Salisbury really made a good point there.
OK, now I know it isn’t cool to pick on retarded people, but seriously, this guy actually makes me pity John Clayton. Can you imagine if your job was to “debate” a disagreeable meathead with the intellect of a broken salad shooter? Problematic. The career backup actually tried to "zing" Clayton by calling him a benchwarmer. More sad than funny, mostly.

7 – I wish Stuart Scott wasn’t so uptight in his delivery.
Hey Stu… we get it. You’re black. We know you ain’t frontin’… in Connecticut.

6 – Where can I get a CD of all the Coors Light Band’s “Here’s to Football” songs? They ROCK!
This little segment isn’t just bringing down Sportscenter, but music as a whole. And the geniuses at ESPN brought them back for another season.

5 – That John Clayton is a handsome fella.
I keep waiting for him to end a sentence with “Mmmkay”

4 – Why aren’t there more segments where two douchebags yell at each other?
The boys at PTI didn’t realize what they were starting. It’s like ESPN did a poll of who American hates the most, then put them on Old School-Nu Skool.

3 – I can’t believe they moved Quite Frankly to ESPN 2… that show was gold!!
Because nothing is better than having somebody yell at me for 15 minutes, then sit down to kiss Allen Iverson’s ass.

2 – I’m sure Rachel Nichols was hired because of her journalistic ability.
The very first time I saw her on TV I was sure she was trying to seduce me through the camera. I always expect her to lick her fingers and start rubbing her nipples. She makes me feel dirty just watching her. Start watching porn from the early 90s and I bet she eventually shows up in a DVDA scene.

1 – I like Dick Vitale, but he is always so critical of everybody.
The only man on Earth who has 25 first team all-Americans, 5 No. 1 picks and is always broadcasting his favorite team. He also has a man-crush on Coach K.