Come on Down
While Press Your Luck kicked serious Whammy ass, any discussion about game shows has to begin with the head cheese of the morning, the Price is Right. It had everything a growing boy needed, action, math, boobies, crazy people.
Speaking of which, if you have never seen Daniel’s epic freak out on Bob, go watch it NOW I’ll wait.
DANIEL'S FREAK OUT
OK, and the thing is, he got that excited playing one of the crap games. Man, if I was on that show and I new I was about to play One Right Price, Barker’s Bargain Bar or Double Prices, I’d stay in contestant’s row until at least something like Safe Crackers came up. There is nothing worse than a lame game where you have to just pick what costs more, a dinner set or a love seat.
Along those lines, I have come up with the Top Ten Greatest Price is Right games of all time.
10) Dice Game
A good, solid game. There was some luck in it with the dice, some stratagy with the number guessing, and you had a chance to win a car. The game also gave the contestant a moment to shine by doing stuff like blowing on the dice for luck, etc. Plus, any game involving dice opens the door for the "Loosest Craps in Town" joke. Which NEVER gets old when you are on the strip.
9) Any Number
Another game that gets points for being able to win a car. However, the game gets more points for the chance to win $4.30. There is nothing more undignified than going on a game show and winning pocket change. Except for having to fill out the tax form on the $4.30 backstage.
8) Punch-a-Bunch
The first cash game to make the list. This game combines two ingredients any top game must have, old people doing a quasi-physical activity and the chance to completely screw yourself out of money. Contestants can win up to four punches on the board by correctly pricing crap at the beginning. They then select the holes they want, each of which contains a slip of paper with a dollar amount on it. They then have to choose if they want to keep that amount, or give it back and look at the next one. This makes for great theatre. Whether it is a dude giving back $5000 bucks and ending with $250, or a grandmother keeping $1000 on her first punch only to have the $10,000 come up when Bob looks later, they are all crushing in their own wonderful way.
"Ma'am, I bet you feel like a retard"
7) Bump
Now, normally, a crap, two-prize simple game like this wouldn't get within sniffing distance of the top ten. However, Bump's one and only claim to fame was Janice and Dian's bumping style, which was the closest thing I could get to porn at the time. They player would pick what model they wanted to bump the buses (why were they buses, exactly?) over to put the correct price over the correct prize. Some guys would pick Dian no matter what, because she REALLY got into it. But then she had to go and ruin everything by suing Bob for sexual harassment, and Bump was no more. No word as to whether footage from Bump was used to get the suit thrown out of court, but I'm pretty sure she was a dirty whore.
6) 3 Strikes
Winning a car + baseball = No. 6. Like dice game, there was both luck and strategy. And now, they play for Porshes and Lexus and stuff. Not bad. Only problem was that the "grab bag" looked like the Jolly Green Giant's ballsack. And everytime you would think about that, Bob immediately grabbed the bottom to mix the chips up.
"To the left, now cough again."
5) Plinko
Plinko is a favorite of most, but the game loses points for me because there is never a winner, therefore no chance at the "perfect show". However, you can win a buttload of money. And more importantly, you can win nothing. I love the look on a person's face when they tank the price guessing at the beginning, only earning one chip. They send it down the board... it starts going towards the $5,000 in the middle, then veers off at the last second to $0. We call that the Plinko Kick in the Nuts.
4) Clock Game
"854, 53, 52, 51, 50, 49... " I love the Clock Game, just to watch people freak. It should be very easy to win each time, but the clock gets inside some peoples heads and they turn into tards.
ATTENTION CLOCK GAME PARTICIPANTS: Once you get the price semi-narrowed down (which should be after two guesses) start at the bottom and rattle off every number between the two. You can say more than one number a second, therefore if you can count, you can win.
Nothing better than the person who starts counting down from 975, then stops one number before the price to call out something crazy like 468. Or the inevitable exchange...
"950"
"Lower"
"960"
Bob laughs at the person, sucker-punches her and walks off the set.
Only thing that holds this game back is the lack of good prizes, as everything has to be under a grand. To make up for the cheapness of it, they have started kicking in a cash bonus. Which is nice.
3) Hole in One
Skill, cars, grocery prices, this one's got 'em all. Watching the uncoordinated attempt to nail a 15-footer is comic gold. The best thing I ever saw on this game was when some old dude took a backswing like he was teeing off and almost nailed Bob. He stopped him and told him to "ease up" a little. The old guy then sent a rocket down the green and over the hole, it bounces off the back wall and lands in the cup. Greatest Price is Right win ever.
Then they had to pussify the game a bit by adding the "Hole in One... or TWO" mulligan. Still a great game, though, and that Barker sure can putt.
2) Race Game
Wow. There is nothing funnier in the Price is Right world than when an old person has to play the Race Game. And it happens so often you KNOW the producers are moving the schedule around so Ethel has to run up and down the set. It's simple, put four price tags on four prizes and then pull a lever on a big slot machine. If you have one price wrong, you go back and keep changing until time runs out.
The one thing I don't know is if I like the old people running, or the ones that seem to say "Fuck it. I'm old, I don't need a Lazy Boy, and I ain't running for Bob Barker or ANYBODY." They just casually walk up and down, placing prices where they want, and maybe... MAYBE they will get back to pull the lever.
1) Cliff Hanger
Oh, Cliff Hanger. The cream of the crop. This game is awesome on so many levels, I don't know where to start. OK, how about that it is the only game with it's own theme song. That do anything for ya? That theme song is so powerful, that when I was a young boy I was actually AFRAID of it. Cliff Hanger totally creeped me out as a child... that is it's power.
Then there was the premise. Guess the prices of three crap items. For every dollar you are over, Cliff takes a step. If he is still on the mountain when you are done, you win. There is nothing better than some moron bidding 175 bucks for a shoe polisher kit, then watching Cliff haul ass towards the abyss.
"Yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yoooo. How the fuck could you think a blender cost three-digits?"
Speaking of which, if you have never seen Daniel’s epic freak out on Bob, go watch it NOW I’ll wait.
DANIEL'S FREAK OUT
OK, and the thing is, he got that excited playing one of the crap games. Man, if I was on that show and I new I was about to play One Right Price, Barker’s Bargain Bar or Double Prices, I’d stay in contestant’s row until at least something like Safe Crackers came up. There is nothing worse than a lame game where you have to just pick what costs more, a dinner set or a love seat.
Along those lines, I have come up with the Top Ten Greatest Price is Right games of all time.
10) Dice Game
A good, solid game. There was some luck in it with the dice, some stratagy with the number guessing, and you had a chance to win a car. The game also gave the contestant a moment to shine by doing stuff like blowing on the dice for luck, etc. Plus, any game involving dice opens the door for the "Loosest Craps in Town" joke. Which NEVER gets old when you are on the strip.
9) Any Number
Another game that gets points for being able to win a car. However, the game gets more points for the chance to win $4.30. There is nothing more undignified than going on a game show and winning pocket change. Except for having to fill out the tax form on the $4.30 backstage.
8) Punch-a-Bunch
The first cash game to make the list. This game combines two ingredients any top game must have, old people doing a quasi-physical activity and the chance to completely screw yourself out of money. Contestants can win up to four punches on the board by correctly pricing crap at the beginning. They then select the holes they want, each of which contains a slip of paper with a dollar amount on it. They then have to choose if they want to keep that amount, or give it back and look at the next one. This makes for great theatre. Whether it is a dude giving back $5000 bucks and ending with $250, or a grandmother keeping $1000 on her first punch only to have the $10,000 come up when Bob looks later, they are all crushing in their own wonderful way.
"Ma'am, I bet you feel like a retard"
7) Bump
Now, normally, a crap, two-prize simple game like this wouldn't get within sniffing distance of the top ten. However, Bump's one and only claim to fame was Janice and Dian's bumping style, which was the closest thing I could get to porn at the time. They player would pick what model they wanted to bump the buses (why were they buses, exactly?) over to put the correct price over the correct prize. Some guys would pick Dian no matter what, because she REALLY got into it. But then she had to go and ruin everything by suing Bob for sexual harassment, and Bump was no more. No word as to whether footage from Bump was used to get the suit thrown out of court, but I'm pretty sure she was a dirty whore.
6) 3 Strikes
Winning a car + baseball = No. 6. Like dice game, there was both luck and strategy. And now, they play for Porshes and Lexus and stuff. Not bad. Only problem was that the "grab bag" looked like the Jolly Green Giant's ballsack. And everytime you would think about that, Bob immediately grabbed the bottom to mix the chips up.
"To the left, now cough again."
5) Plinko
Plinko is a favorite of most, but the game loses points for me because there is never a winner, therefore no chance at the "perfect show". However, you can win a buttload of money. And more importantly, you can win nothing. I love the look on a person's face when they tank the price guessing at the beginning, only earning one chip. They send it down the board... it starts going towards the $5,000 in the middle, then veers off at the last second to $0. We call that the Plinko Kick in the Nuts.
4) Clock Game
"854, 53, 52, 51, 50, 49... " I love the Clock Game, just to watch people freak. It should be very easy to win each time, but the clock gets inside some peoples heads and they turn into tards.
ATTENTION CLOCK GAME PARTICIPANTS: Once you get the price semi-narrowed down (which should be after two guesses) start at the bottom and rattle off every number between the two. You can say more than one number a second, therefore if you can count, you can win.
Nothing better than the person who starts counting down from 975, then stops one number before the price to call out something crazy like 468. Or the inevitable exchange...
"950"
"Lower"
"960"
Bob laughs at the person, sucker-punches her and walks off the set.
Only thing that holds this game back is the lack of good prizes, as everything has to be under a grand. To make up for the cheapness of it, they have started kicking in a cash bonus. Which is nice.
3) Hole in One
Skill, cars, grocery prices, this one's got 'em all. Watching the uncoordinated attempt to nail a 15-footer is comic gold. The best thing I ever saw on this game was when some old dude took a backswing like he was teeing off and almost nailed Bob. He stopped him and told him to "ease up" a little. The old guy then sent a rocket down the green and over the hole, it bounces off the back wall and lands in the cup. Greatest Price is Right win ever.
Then they had to pussify the game a bit by adding the "Hole in One... or TWO" mulligan. Still a great game, though, and that Barker sure can putt.
2) Race Game
Wow. There is nothing funnier in the Price is Right world than when an old person has to play the Race Game. And it happens so often you KNOW the producers are moving the schedule around so Ethel has to run up and down the set. It's simple, put four price tags on four prizes and then pull a lever on a big slot machine. If you have one price wrong, you go back and keep changing until time runs out.
The one thing I don't know is if I like the old people running, or the ones that seem to say "Fuck it. I'm old, I don't need a Lazy Boy, and I ain't running for Bob Barker or ANYBODY." They just casually walk up and down, placing prices where they want, and maybe... MAYBE they will get back to pull the lever.
1) Cliff Hanger
Oh, Cliff Hanger. The cream of the crop. This game is awesome on so many levels, I don't know where to start. OK, how about that it is the only game with it's own theme song. That do anything for ya? That theme song is so powerful, that when I was a young boy I was actually AFRAID of it. Cliff Hanger totally creeped me out as a child... that is it's power.
Then there was the premise. Guess the prices of three crap items. For every dollar you are over, Cliff takes a step. If he is still on the mountain when you are done, you win. There is nothing better than some moron bidding 175 bucks for a shoe polisher kit, then watching Cliff haul ass towards the abyss.
"Yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yoooo. How the fuck could you think a blender cost three-digits?"
posted by TonyWirt at Wednesday, March 16, 2005
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