By the power of Greyskull
I hate the Chicago Cubs. Always have. In Iowa City, a.k.a. “the west suburbs”, that is not a popular opinion. In fact, I am often asked how I could come to loath the Cubbies.
That’s easy. When I was a kid, I would come home from school with one thought on my mind… watch He-Man. Every day, I would start by afternoon at 3:30, plopped in front of the TV watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe on WGN.
But one spring day I came home, told ma to hold my calls, and flipped over to see what’s going down in Eternia. What do I find? Some stupid baseball game. No, some stupid-NON TWINS baseball game. At that stage in my life I didn’t even know they made those. Why would they? I just sat there thinking who the hell would want to watch this crap when they could be watching He-Man. I mean, it boggled my little pre-pubescent mind.
I mean, it was He-Man. Seriously. He-Man was the coolest. Check that… IS the coolest. The dude made a living kicking ass. Nuff said.
I had all the toys too. I remember arguing with my mom, “No, it isn’t the same. This is BATTLE DAMAGE He-Man. How can I be expected to play with regular He-Man? When you hit his chest, plain ‘ol He-Man shows no visible damage at all. What are we, on food stamps? Throw it in the freaking cart.”
Always loved Mer-Man, myself, although the cartoon made him a bit of a pussy. And Man-E-Faces was probably the coolest toy ever. He had eight weapons. NOBODY could match that. Not GI Joe, Star Wars guys, Transformers, none. Also, he was the best guy to own, because if you were being the bad guys and Lou was being the good guys and he had Man-E-Faces, you could reach over and change his face to the monster, then he was on your team. And because it was YOUR Man-E-Faces, you could say, “Fuck you Lou. You want Man-E-Faces, buy it yourself. He’s mine, and I say what face he has.”
Then later on you could change him to the robot face and say he can be on the other team, then quick switch him back once he got in the good guy’s base and wreak freaking havoc.
Of course, there were problems. You could play with Webstor for about 15 minutes before his “web” grappling hook got all tangled and knotted up, then wouldn’t go back in his backpack. Then you would take Moss Man out into the yard and next thing you know you have to go in the house, and when you come back you can’t find him until your dad runs over him with the lawnmower.
Then there were some of the later misfires from the We’re Running Out of Ideas Series. I mean, seriously, Stinkor? You’re making a action figure whose power is that he reeks? Man, that thing smelled too. You could tell if somebody got Stinkor just by walking into their house. It was like sticking your head inside a dead bum’s ass.
That said, I still tried to collect ‘em all, just like the cartoon said. Then, when I was getting out of my He-Man phase, my mom asked if I wanted to sell all my He-Man guys at the church auction. I agreed, then almost peed my pants when I saw how much they were going for. Each guy went for at least five bucks, and Castle Greyskull came in around 45. I was mentally tallying all the cash, which may have given me a 12-year-old woody.
When I told my mom I thought I was going to spend the money on a basketball hoop, she informed me that since it was a church auction, all the money was going to the church, not me.
And you wonder why I hate religion.
That’s easy. When I was a kid, I would come home from school with one thought on my mind… watch He-Man. Every day, I would start by afternoon at 3:30, plopped in front of the TV watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe on WGN.
But one spring day I came home, told ma to hold my calls, and flipped over to see what’s going down in Eternia. What do I find? Some stupid baseball game. No, some stupid-NON TWINS baseball game. At that stage in my life I didn’t even know they made those. Why would they? I just sat there thinking who the hell would want to watch this crap when they could be watching He-Man. I mean, it boggled my little pre-pubescent mind.
I mean, it was He-Man. Seriously. He-Man was the coolest. Check that… IS the coolest. The dude made a living kicking ass. Nuff said.
I had all the toys too. I remember arguing with my mom, “No, it isn’t the same. This is BATTLE DAMAGE He-Man. How can I be expected to play with regular He-Man? When you hit his chest, plain ‘ol He-Man shows no visible damage at all. What are we, on food stamps? Throw it in the freaking cart.”
Always loved Mer-Man, myself, although the cartoon made him a bit of a pussy. And Man-E-Faces was probably the coolest toy ever. He had eight weapons. NOBODY could match that. Not GI Joe, Star Wars guys, Transformers, none. Also, he was the best guy to own, because if you were being the bad guys and Lou was being the good guys and he had Man-E-Faces, you could reach over and change his face to the monster, then he was on your team. And because it was YOUR Man-E-Faces, you could say, “Fuck you Lou. You want Man-E-Faces, buy it yourself. He’s mine, and I say what face he has.”
Then later on you could change him to the robot face and say he can be on the other team, then quick switch him back once he got in the good guy’s base and wreak freaking havoc.
Of course, there were problems. You could play with Webstor for about 15 minutes before his “web” grappling hook got all tangled and knotted up, then wouldn’t go back in his backpack. Then you would take Moss Man out into the yard and next thing you know you have to go in the house, and when you come back you can’t find him until your dad runs over him with the lawnmower.
Then there were some of the later misfires from the We’re Running Out of Ideas Series. I mean, seriously, Stinkor? You’re making a action figure whose power is that he reeks? Man, that thing smelled too. You could tell if somebody got Stinkor just by walking into their house. It was like sticking your head inside a dead bum’s ass.
That said, I still tried to collect ‘em all, just like the cartoon said. Then, when I was getting out of my He-Man phase, my mom asked if I wanted to sell all my He-Man guys at the church auction. I agreed, then almost peed my pants when I saw how much they were going for. Each guy went for at least five bucks, and Castle Greyskull came in around 45. I was mentally tallying all the cash, which may have given me a 12-year-old woody.
When I told my mom I thought I was going to spend the money on a basketball hoop, she informed me that since it was a church auction, all the money was going to the church, not me.
And you wonder why I hate religion.
posted by TonyWirt at Friday, March 11, 2005
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