Noriyuki (Pat) Morita (1932-2005)

Noriyuki (Pat) Morita was found dead in his home last week. He was 73.

Morita was born on the island of Okinawa in 1932. The son of a fisherman, he spent his youth perfecting the art of karate and pruning little trees while living in poverty.

At the age of 18, Morita declared his love for his childhood sweetheart Yukie. Unfotunately for him, she had already been promised to his best friend Sato, who immediately challenged him to a fight to the death.

Unwilling to do battle with his childhood friend, Morita fled to the United States. Upon his arrival, his self-loathing led him to the U.S. Army, where he was immediately shipped out to fight in World War II.

Morita’s ability to heal wounded soldiers by simply rubbing his hands together was invaluable to his unit, and he earned multiple commendations including the Congressional Medal of Honor.

During his service, he received word that his wife and unborn child died during childbirth. The news devastated Morita, and sent him into a brief spiral of sake and singing what he referred to as “Japanese Blues”. The tremendous amount of alcohol he consumed damaged his throat to the extent he was only able to communicate in short, choppy sentences – often omitting words altogether.

Upon his return to the states, Morita opened up a drive-in in Milwaukee, WI, named Arnold’s, which was popular with the local youths.

Arnold’s received national attention when local motorcycle enthusiast Arthur Fonzarelli broke a world record by jumping 15 barrels in its parking lot. The feat was shown on the hit television show “You Wanted to See It”, and brought scores of visitors to Morita’s burger joint.

Ironically, it was another stunt jump by Fonzerelli that ended Morita’s run in Milwaukee. While on vacation in Hawaii with a local family, an aging Fonzarelli attempted a water ski jump over a shark. While most witnesses just considered the stunt a lame grab for attention, Morita saw it as a way to one-up the original jump at Arnold’s and never forgave Fonzarelli. After the shark was jumped, business at Arnold’s declined to the point that Morita sold his drive-in to Al Delveccio and left Milwaukee.

Morita returned to Milwaukee in the early 80s and re-acquired Arnold’s (which had been rebuilt after burning to the ground under the watch of Fonzarelli’s nephew Chachi Arcola), but left soon after realizing that it was totally lame.
He then made his way to California and found work as a handyman at the South Seas apartments Receda. It was there he first met a skinny Italian kid named Daniel LaRusso.

LaRusso, who had a bad habit of picking fights with much bigger people, consistently harassed Morita to teach him karate.

Not wanting to do his own housework and anxious to get rid of the kid, Morita forced LaRusso to do chores ranging from washing his car to painting his house while telling him he was teaching him the ancient martial art – assuming he would tire quickly and give up. When LaRusso remained adamant, Morita enrolled him in the prestigious All-Valley Karate Tournament with thoughts that a severe beating would damper the kids enthusiasm. Much to Morita’s chagrin, LaRusso somehow won the tournament using a traditional dance move he had observed his sensei performing.

Six months later, Morita received word from Okinawa that his 121-year-old father was dying. As he raced to return to his native land, LaRusso arrived uninvited at the airport and announced he was to accompany Morita on his family business.

Upon their arrival in Okinawa, they were met by Sato and informed that the two were still expected to fight to the death – provided neither died of natural causes before the bout.

While Morita and Sato were able to find a truce before the fight, LaRusso once again found himself antagonizing someone who could kick his ass, this time Sato’s nephew Chozen. When the two found themselves doing battle at a local dance, Morita even mocked LaRusso’s lack of maturity by brandishing a baby rattle at him while he fought.

LaRusso sustained multiple injuries but managed to survive the encounter, and the two returned to the states, where Morita opened a Bonsai Shop. Originally hoping to name it Arnold’s Bonsai, he was forced to name it “Mr. Miyagi’s Little Trees” by LaRusso, who provided Morita with seed money for the store.

Once again, the Italian instigator brought trouble and the store was trashed by karate legend “Bad Boy” Mike Barnes, who was in the midst of a feud with LaRusso.

Unwilling to train LaRusso a third time, Morita refused all offers until the incessant whining and the thought of the kids skinny ass in the ring with Barnes finally got to him, and he relented.

Somehow, LaRusso beat the odds and won the All-Valley once again. Realizing the kid wasn’t going away no matter how many beating or chores he had to endure, Morita was forced to move once again.

He settled in Northern California, but obnoxious teenagers had a way of seeking him out. An automobile accident left the granddaughter of an Army buddy homeless, and Morita was guilted into taking her in. Like before, she immediately asked to be taught karate. As before, Morita attempted to quell the desire with chores, and as before, it did nothing to discourage the girl. Luckily, the young protégé was involved in a street fight and expelled. The event soured her on karate, and she eventually took up boxing under another grey-haired teacher.

Finally rid of annoying instigators, Morita was able to live out his final years in peace. He briefly tried his hand at detective work, but Morita quit that after his partner was made the host of the Tonight Show on NBC. And I think he fought a giant King Cobra once.

He returned home to live out his remaining years in peace.

Da-na-na... da-na-na

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT ESPN

10 – If ESPN really does have an original movie coming out, why haven’t I seen any ads?
And seriously, I think it should be a rule that if you put Tom Berenger in a sports movie, he has to say one line from Major League at some point. Are you telling me you can’t find a spot for “Well I guess there is just one thing left to do... win the whole fuckin’ thing.”

9 – Would you please turn it up, I can’t hear Stephen A. Smith.
It has to be an act, isn’t it? Eh Steve... mic's on. Who the hell can get that mad over a Hawks-Bucks game?

8 – Sean Salisbury really made a good point there.
OK, now I know it isn’t cool to pick on retarded people, but seriously, this guy actually makes me pity John Clayton. Can you imagine if your job was to “debate” a disagreeable meathead with the intellect of a broken salad shooter? Problematic. The career backup actually tried to "zing" Clayton by calling him a benchwarmer. More sad than funny, mostly.

7 – I wish Stuart Scott wasn’t so uptight in his delivery.
Hey Stu… we get it. You’re black. We know you ain’t frontin’… in Connecticut.

6 – Where can I get a CD of all the Coors Light Band’s “Here’s to Football” songs? They ROCK!
This little segment isn’t just bringing down Sportscenter, but music as a whole. And the geniuses at ESPN brought them back for another season.

5 – That John Clayton is a handsome fella.
I keep waiting for him to end a sentence with “Mmmkay”

4 – Why aren’t there more segments where two douchebags yell at each other?
The boys at PTI didn’t realize what they were starting. It’s like ESPN did a poll of who American hates the most, then put them on Old School-Nu Skool.

3 – I can’t believe they moved Quite Frankly to ESPN 2… that show was gold!!
Because nothing is better than having somebody yell at me for 15 minutes, then sit down to kiss Allen Iverson’s ass.

2 – I’m sure Rachel Nichols was hired because of her journalistic ability.
The very first time I saw her on TV I was sure she was trying to seduce me through the camera. I always expect her to lick her fingers and start rubbing her nipples. She makes me feel dirty just watching her. Start watching porn from the early 90s and I bet she eventually shows up in a DVDA scene.

1 – I like Dick Vitale, but he is always so critical of everybody.
The only man on Earth who has 25 first team all-Americans, 5 No. 1 picks and is always broadcasting his favorite team. He also has a man-crush on Coach K.

Support Our Troops

OK, so 2000+ American soldiers have died in Iraq. That is not cool.

Everywhere I go, I see magnetic ribbons on the back of cars telling us to "Support Our Troops". As if that in itself is going to help. How many lives can be saved by a crappy magnetic thing embossed with patriotic buzzwords that was made in China?

People of America, listen, ribbons are not going to win this war. To do that, we are going to need something a little more...

Plastic Wristbands

A year or so ago little yellow wristbands sold by Lance Armstrong started popping up everywhere, and look what it did. Cancer is a thing of the past, my friends.

But it didn't stop there... pink ones KO'd Breast Cancer... blue ones solved Juvenille Diabetes... blue and red ones pushed the Chicago Cubs to the World Series.

So why in God's name is there no wristbands out there supporting our troops? You get a good color scheme, a catchy slogan and some cheap Chinese labor and BAM - you got yourself a fad. Man, that would teach Sadaam a lesson.

Can you imagine the look on his face when he saw news clips of 13-year-old girls wearing Red, White and Blue wristbands that say "Support Our Troops" or "God Bless the USA" or "United We Stand". He'd surrender in a minute once he realized that these colors don't run.

Why haven't we done this yet? It's as if American doesn't care.

Who says you are worth it?

I keep hearing about this large abstinence movement in high schools. Kids are attempting to “stay pure” and “save themselves for marriage” with pledges, written document, rings, t-shirts… all kinds of stuff.

This is really disturbing to me. Not the fact that many of these kids are still giving out oral and anal like it’s a free sample at Hy-Vee (sorry girls… butt sex counts, that's why it's called butt SEX), but just the pure arrogance of the whole thing.

I’ve seen T-shirts proclaiming “I’m Worth Waiting For”.



Really? And just how do you know that Chastity McPure? Unless you spend each day breaking down “Tales From the Clit” and “Sex Trek II: The Wrath of Bob” like they were game film and practicing your moves on one of those CPR dummies, I’m willing to bet that you suck.

It’s people like that who still give dry handies in college.

The person waiting for you is going to feel like the kid who finds out Christmas morning that the Nintendo-shaped box under the tree contains a freaking sweater.

Like anything else, sex takes practice to get good. Trial and error. Market research. Besides, you don’t buy a car without test driving it first. I’d much rather find out my “soulmate” is a freak while we are dating than after I Do. A wedding night is not the time find out someone needs half a roll of Saran Wrap and a jar of Cheez Whiz to get off.

And another thing, how do you think it makes a kid feel when he is doing everything he can to get laid, only to get shot down on a daily basis, then watches somebody who could be getting some voluntarily say no. It’s like throwing away a sandwich in front of a homeless guy, then pissing on it when he tries to fish it out of the garbage.

“Now NOBODY can eat it”

Come on Down

While Press Your Luck kicked serious Whammy ass, any discussion about game shows has to begin with the head cheese of the morning, the Price is Right. It had everything a growing boy needed, action, math, boobies, crazy people.

Speaking of which, if you have never seen Daniel’s epic freak out on Bob, go watch it NOW I’ll wait.

DANIEL'S FREAK OUT

OK, and the thing is, he got that excited playing one of the crap games. Man, if I was on that show and I new I was about to play One Right Price, Barker’s Bargain Bar or Double Prices, I’d stay in contestant’s row until at least something like Safe Crackers came up. There is nothing worse than a lame game where you have to just pick what costs more, a dinner set or a love seat.

Along those lines, I have come up with the Top Ten Greatest Price is Right games of all time.

10) Dice Game


A good, solid game. There was some luck in it with the dice, some stratagy with the number guessing, and you had a chance to win a car. The game also gave the contestant a moment to shine by doing stuff like blowing on the dice for luck, etc. Plus, any game involving dice opens the door for the "Loosest Craps in Town" joke. Which NEVER gets old when you are on the strip.

9) Any Number


Another game that gets points for being able to win a car. However, the game gets more points for the chance to win $4.30. There is nothing more undignified than going on a game show and winning pocket change. Except for having to fill out the tax form on the $4.30 backstage.

8) Punch-a-Bunch


The first cash game to make the list. This game combines two ingredients any top game must have, old people doing a quasi-physical activity and the chance to completely screw yourself out of money. Contestants can win up to four punches on the board by correctly pricing crap at the beginning. They then select the holes they want, each of which contains a slip of paper with a dollar amount on it. They then have to choose if they want to keep that amount, or give it back and look at the next one. This makes for great theatre. Whether it is a dude giving back $5000 bucks and ending with $250, or a grandmother keeping $1000 on her first punch only to have the $10,000 come up when Bob looks later, they are all crushing in their own wonderful way.

"Ma'am, I bet you feel like a retard"

7) Bump


Now, normally, a crap, two-prize simple game like this wouldn't get within sniffing distance of the top ten. However, Bump's one and only claim to fame was Janice and Dian's bumping style, which was the closest thing I could get to porn at the time. They player would pick what model they wanted to bump the buses (why were they buses, exactly?) over to put the correct price over the correct prize. Some guys would pick Dian no matter what, because she REALLY got into it. But then she had to go and ruin everything by suing Bob for sexual harassment, and Bump was no more. No word as to whether footage from Bump was used to get the suit thrown out of court, but I'm pretty sure she was a dirty whore.

6) 3 Strikes


Winning a car + baseball = No. 6. Like dice game, there was both luck and strategy. And now, they play for Porshes and Lexus and stuff. Not bad. Only problem was that the "grab bag" looked like the Jolly Green Giant's ballsack. And everytime you would think about that, Bob immediately grabbed the bottom to mix the chips up.

"To the left, now cough again."


5) Plinko


Plinko is a favorite of most, but the game loses points for me because there is never a winner, therefore no chance at the "perfect show". However, you can win a buttload of money. And more importantly, you can win nothing. I love the look on a person's face when they tank the price guessing at the beginning, only earning one chip. They send it down the board... it starts going towards the $5,000 in the middle, then veers off at the last second to $0. We call that the Plinko Kick in the Nuts.

4) Clock Game


"854, 53, 52, 51, 50, 49... " I love the Clock Game, just to watch people freak. It should be very easy to win each time, but the clock gets inside some peoples heads and they turn into tards.

ATTENTION CLOCK GAME PARTICIPANTS: Once you get the price semi-narrowed down (which should be after two guesses) start at the bottom and rattle off every number between the two. You can say more than one number a second, therefore if you can count, you can win.

Nothing better than the person who starts counting down from 975, then stops one number before the price to call out something crazy like 468. Or the inevitable exchange...

"950"
"Lower"
"960"
Bob laughs at the person, sucker-punches her and walks off the set.

Only thing that holds this game back is the lack of good prizes, as everything has to be under a grand. To make up for the cheapness of it, they have started kicking in a cash bonus. Which is nice.

3) Hole in One


Skill, cars, grocery prices, this one's got 'em all. Watching the uncoordinated attempt to nail a 15-footer is comic gold. The best thing I ever saw on this game was when some old dude took a backswing like he was teeing off and almost nailed Bob. He stopped him and told him to "ease up" a little. The old guy then sent a rocket down the green and over the hole, it bounces off the back wall and lands in the cup. Greatest Price is Right win ever.

Then they had to pussify the game a bit by adding the "Hole in One... or TWO" mulligan. Still a great game, though, and that Barker sure can putt.

2) Race Game


Wow. There is nothing funnier in the Price is Right world than when an old person has to play the Race Game. And it happens so often you KNOW the producers are moving the schedule around so Ethel has to run up and down the set. It's simple, put four price tags on four prizes and then pull a lever on a big slot machine. If you have one price wrong, you go back and keep changing until time runs out.

The one thing I don't know is if I like the old people running, or the ones that seem to say "Fuck it. I'm old, I don't need a Lazy Boy, and I ain't running for Bob Barker or ANYBODY." They just casually walk up and down, placing prices where they want, and maybe... MAYBE they will get back to pull the lever.

1) Cliff Hanger



Oh, Cliff Hanger. The cream of the crop. This game is awesome on so many levels, I don't know where to start. OK, how about that it is the only game with it's own theme song. That do anything for ya? That theme song is so powerful, that when I was a young boy I was actually AFRAID of it. Cliff Hanger totally creeped me out as a child... that is it's power.

Then there was the premise. Guess the prices of three crap items. For every dollar you are over, Cliff takes a step. If he is still on the mountain when you are done, you win. There is nothing better than some moron bidding 175 bucks for a shoe polisher kit, then watching Cliff haul ass towards the abyss.


"Yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yo-dilludie, yoooo. How the fuck could you think a blender cost three-digits?"